2015

Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson

Genre: Romance, Drama

Well. It’s been a long time since my last review. Should I talk about my favorite film of the year? Some of the recent Oscar contenders? A popular new release?

Or should I talk about a film where “I’m fifty shades of fucked up,” is a line of dialogue someone wrote, acted out, directed, and served as the dramatic climax to the story?

I think the answer is clear.

We all know this movie. It made a ton of money. Many people watched it. It was mocked, memed, criticized, and parodied to death. But this is a case where I actually feel like I can provide a unique perspective. Because this movie is not for me in any way.

I am asexual. It’s a sexuality more people are becoming aware of, but still one that most people don’t understand. In my case, it simply means that I feel not desire or interest in any sexual activity involving penetration or any kind. I am not repulsed by sex, nor am I against romantic relationships. I can get aroused, and as a writer I have an understanding of what is attractive and sexy.

It would seem like my sexuality is easy to understand, but many people are filled with disbelief, confusion, and misconceptions toward asexuality. But I’m not going to talk about that. I just wanted to point out, that the term “sex sells” is proof of this movie’s success, and I am part of a small percentage of people to which that term does not apply to.

Watching this movie was exhausting. It was confusing, irritating, funny at times, but more often it was just boring. And crucially for a movie like this, it wasn’t sexy at all.

Quick summery of the plot. Anastasia Steele is a college student that also works in a hardware store. She has a 4.0 GPA but doesn’t know what a butt plug is, and can’t figure it out through context clues. She goes in place of her journalist roommate to interview a young billionaire named Christian Gray.

Christian is the head of a company that presumably does something. Apparently he sends money to Africa, but he also doesn’t care about Africa. And he also only hires attractive young women. But who cares. The point is, he has money.

Anastasia trips when she enters his office, and Christian helps her up. Leaving a very important moment where she is at a position on her knees and at blowjob level for Christian. Then she spends a lot of the interview with a pencil in her mouth. You know, like the pencil is Christian’s penis. Christian also grips the table tightly, you know, like how he wants to grip Anastasia’s body.

Most of the characters in this movie talk in sexual innuendos. Anastasia reacts to any amount of physical contact as if she’s having an orgasm. Because of her status as a virgin, she is treated like a child that knows nothing about sex. You can practically see the words of the book on the screen when you watch this movie.

“As his hand touched my cheek, I felt a stir of emotions within me. My thoughts became something outside of myself. For a moment, I was Mr. Gray’s possession. And I wanted it.”

That’s not a paragraph from the book. I just made that up. Based on how the characters act in the movie, I’m probably not too far off. But my point is, reading a paragraph like that is much more interesting then watching a grown woman close her eyes and open her mouth in ecstasy when a dude touches her cheek.

There’s a fantastic podcast called “Girls on Porn.” Highly recommend checking it out.

On this podcast, two women search through different porn categories to find hot and ethical porn that they can recommend for people to masturbate to. Through this, we can see how different porn that’s sexy for women is, compared to porn that’s sexy for men.

A very quick oversimplification of the differences between quality porn can be stated that male porn is more about fantasy, and sexual prowess. While female porn is more about reality, and sexual communication.

Based on this simple criteria, 50 Shades of Gray is not good porn. Unless your very specific kink is about signing a contract that states you are obligated to have sex whenever your man wants.

None of the dumb fantasy elements of a sexy romance is realized in this movie. Anastasia doesn’t get super into BDSM and start becoming kinkier and more sexually open. She doesn’t “fix” Christian and get him to open up emotionally. They don’t even do anything particularly unconventional or interesting.

The raunchiest this movie gets is spanking. Which is pretty basic, and doesn’t require a “playroom” full of equipment and contraptions. The BDSM community also hates this movie, because it does not showcase what that activity is about.

To say that a submissive should get no pleasure from BDSM, and that they are only doing this for the pleasure of the dominant, is very incorrect. That statement, made by Christian, should be a red flag for any potential romantic partner.

Christian throws out many reg flags as the relationship continues. But Anastasia signed a contract that said she isn’t allowed to talk to anyone about their relationship, so no drama can arise from this.

The issue I have is not with how this is not a healthy relationship. It’s clear that Christian is an abuser, and Anastasia is a victim. My issue is that the movie has absolutely no substance.

The movie is not a journey of sexual discovery. It’s also not a thrill ride about a passionate romance. It’s also not a drama, because as stated before, Anastasia signed a contract where she cannot discuss her relationship with Christian with anyone.

Side note: she has to sign a separate contract so she and Christian can engage in BDSM activity. They do a bunch of stuff, but at the very end of the movie, Anastasia says she still hadn’t signed the contract. Like, what the fuck movie!? Why did you put so many scenes of characters talking about a contract, and then so many sex scenes, only to reveal that she never signed it? Why make such a big deal about legal proceedings, and then just throw it out the window?

Second side note: Why have Christian make a big deal about how he doesn’t have sex: he fucks. And he doesn’t sleep with women in the bed afterward. Only for him to have sex with Anastasia in a pretty romantic way, and then spend the night with her in the next scene? Why does the movie tell me things and then immediately contradict them?

Here’s the ultimate point I’m trying to make with this, and why I’ve spent more time thinking about this movie than anyone that worked on it.

Once you take away the tame, PG13 sex scenes, and the desire for sexual activity in general. There is nothing left in this vapid excuse for a story.

If you are so repressed that your idea of a sexy story is missionary position sex, getting spanked, and in one bizarre scene having an ice cube placed on Anastasia’s stomach, then maybe you should start questioning how important sex actually is for you.

Anastasia, and this movie as a whole enforces the idea that we should have sex out of a sense of obligation and to fit into society. As opposed to for pleasure, mutual enjoyment, expanding physical communication, and a sense of coming together (pun intended).

Christian just further adds to the repression of society as a whole, by saying that abuse victims will just go on to abuse others. And not that they should deal with their trauma and seek help. By claiming that this movie is sexy in any way just gives all the millions of people who watched it the idea that abuse of power is the only way that society will ever function.

One of the main misconception about asexuality is that we choose to not have sex because of some traumatic experience. Basically that we’re all fucked up. When I see stories like this that make millions and millions of dollars, and have no merit other than showing sex scenes. It’s not Christian Gray that’s fifty shades of fucked up. It’s the world around him that endorses this product.

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